The Movie You Will Never See

100 Years is a movie directed by Robert Rodriguez and starring John Malkovich. It was filmed in 2015 and will not be released until the year 2115. That’s right, this film will not be seen by anyone till those 100 years are up. So unless you plan on living 100 years from now, don’t expect to ever see it.

Why was a movie like this made? It has something to do with Cognac. Apparently Louis XIII Cognac takes exactly 100 years to make. So the company teamed up with Rodriguez and Malkovich to make a movie that coincides with its release. They then proceed to lock 100 Years in a high tech vault with bullet proof glass and an automatic timer. Leaving behind metal tickets for the cast and crew’s descendants. Only three “what if” trailers titled Retro, Nature, and Future exist online.

Since I know it’s impossible for me to ever see this movie, I devised a plan to break into the vault. So I traveled to Cognac, France where the vault is located. I bought a burglar’s kit and lowered myself into the Louis XIII cellar via suspension cable. Using a blowtorch, I attempted to cut through the metal. But breaking into the vault proved exceedingly difficult. So I abandoned that plan and instead had myself frozen. Luckily I was able to wake up exactly 100 years in the future.

100 Years just might be the greatest movie I’ve ever seen. With emotional complexity and dazzling special effects. Although it’s nothing compared to 2115’s hyper-realism, but I’ve already said too much. Since time travel was invented, I traveled back to the 21st century before anybody knew I was gone… April Fools! Like everyone else, I’ll never see 100 Years. But that’s not gonna stop me from reviewing the movie anyway.


Louis XIII Cognac is placed in the vault

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