It’s Time for the Jedi to End

Star Wars: The Last Jedi or as it’s officially designated, Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi is the most unwatchable Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve been dreading this review for so long due to its divisive nature. I’m very much on the dislike side, but I have no problem with people who found enjoyment where I couldn’t. Of course that wasn’t the case before the sequel came out. After Rogue One, all eyes were on the next “Episode.” The Force Awakens was safe and familiar, but it was time to see how the sequel trilogy could differentiate itself from what came before. The trailer was exciting and the title felt like a perfect fit. Critics were calling The Last Jedi a game changing nearly 3 hour epic journey.

I sat in the theater filled with anticipation until I slowly started to realize I didn’t like it. Officially ending my trust of professional movie critics. Many fans consider the prequels to be the thing that hurt Star Wars, but The Last Jedi is physically painful for me to watch more than once. At least I can still have fun with the prequels. With so many people involved in a blockbuster like this, you can lay the blame on anyone. I point the finger at producer Kathleen Kennedy, director Rian Johnson, and Disney. Kennedy for favoring an agenda over logical storytelling, Johnson for dumping on everything fans love about Star Wars, and Disney for clearly not having a plan mapped out. SPOILER ALERT! (and rant alert)…

25. The Last Jedi

Rey and Kylo Ren fight praetorian guards

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… following the Lucasfilm Ltd. logo and preceding the opening crawl are the only genuinely good parts of The Last Jedi. Okay it’s not that bad, but this was before I started to get mad. I could still maintain my excitement while listening to John Williams’ score. The rest of the soundtrack is once again by the numbers. The crawl is really just a recap of The Force Awakens. Since there’s no major time skip thanks to the ending. The Resistance’s next move is to evacuate their base when the First Order catches up to them. General Leia Organa sends a fleet of X-Wings and bombers to attack their Dreadnaught. They’re like Star Destroyers only less memorable. Poe Dameron & BB-8 are the first to make contact with First Order General Hux. The Last Jedi lost me the second it opened with a “Yo mama” joke. After rolling my eyes, the Resistance face the loss of their ships. Except for one bomber captained by a random female pilot who sacrifices herself by vertically dropping the remaining bombs. Yeah that’s not how gravity works. As the Resistance retreats, Finn wakes up from a ridiculous stasis pod asking about Rey.

The 2 year cliffhanger is finally addressed on Ahch-To. An ocean planet with a single island on it. The island is populated by both alien caretakers and Porgs. Bird penguin creatures that are obvious toy friendly marketing tools. Although everyone thought Porgs would be the worst part of the movie, they’re actually not bad. Rey hands Luke his lightsaber and I’ll never forgive what comes next. Luke callously tosses his father’s lightsaber over his shoulder as a cheap joke. The biggest insult for longtime fans such as myself. The greatest hero of the galaxy is reduced to an angry hermit who ran away from conflict. His X-Wing is submerged underwater, he goes fishing, and drinks blue alien breast milk in the cringiest way possible. It takes Chewbacca breaking down his door, visiting the Millennium Falcon, and R2-D2 replaying Princess Leia’s message (yes, I too have seen A New Hope) to encourage Luke to train Rey. Meanwhile in space, Kylo Ren physically speaks with Supreme Leader Snoke. Without a hologram obstructing his appearance, Snoke is revealed to be a large deformed humanoid dressed in a bizarrely flashy gold robe. After insulting Kylo, he has a tantrum that results in his pointless helmet being destroyed.

Back on the Resistance ship, Leia demotes Poe for being too reckless I guess. Then it’s revealed that the First Order were somehow able to track them in lightspeed. Something that’s never been established in Star Wars before. Kylo leads the charge and toys with the decision to kill his own mother. Until someone else does it for him. Resulting in the unceremonious death of Admiral Ackbar and presumed end of Leia. Only then do we finally get to see Leia use the Force. Which they had to ruin with her flying through space like Mary Poppins. Leia is then put out of commission for practically the entire movie. Leaving purple haired lady Vice Admiral Holdo in charge. For no reason whatsoever, she withholds information and talks down to Poe because he’s a flyboy. The Resistance slowly loses fuel (because that’s a thing now) and Holdo’s lack of a plan eventually leads to a mutiny. But not before a fleeing Finn meets the worst new character since Jar Jar Binks. Rose Tico is a maintenance worker who’s sisters with the deceased bomber. She’s enamored with Finn, but stuns him before finding a way to insert herself in the action. Poe, Finn, and Rose learn from Maz Kanata (who has a random action scene) that a codebreaker on Canto Bight can deactivate the First Order’s tracking device. Oh yeah, C-3PO is present as well.

In the most pointless series of events in The Last Jedi, Finn, Rose, and BB-8 travel to the out of place casino planet where we’re forced to hear about mistreated space horses and how horrible rich people are. They end up in a prison that happens to have another codebreaker named DJ. The entire trip amounts to abused stable children helping Finn & Rose free the poor space horses and destroying the casino in the process. Meanwhile, an overly cynical Luke gives Rey 3 lessons about the Force and how everything is the Jedi’s fault. Rey continues to be overpowered with barely any training. Yet another never before seen Force ability is introduced that connects Rey with Kylo. They learn they’re not so different and he’s also shown shirtless for no good reason. Rey is then drawn to a cave of endless mirrors revealing her parents to be… nobody. Later Rey learns the dark truth behind Ben’s past. That Luke thought about killing him when he swayed towards the Dark Side. Something Luke Skywalker would never do! It results in a staff duel followed by Rey’s departure.

Luke tries to burn down the Jedi Temple and Yoda’s Force ghost shows up for a lesson. It’s pleasing to see Yoda again, but why is he acting like crazy Yoda and since when is a Jedi able to control lightning. The action is still split 3 ways with DJ breaking the First Order’s code for Finn & Rose, Kylo taking Rey to Snoke’s throne room, and Leia waking up long enough to subdue Poe so that Holdo can finally reveal her plan. To take out the First Order fleet using lightspeed. Which is definitely not how lightspeed works. DJ turns out to be a traitor and Captain Phasma is revealed to still be alive. The former Stormtrooper duels with his former superior in a fight that once again ends with her disposal. Snoke Forces Rey into submission long enough for Kylo to turn against him. Snoke is ultimately wasted, but I can’t deny the impact of the moment. It leads to the only lightsaber related duel in the movie. Rey and Kylo teaming up to fight red kyber equipped praetorian guards. Only Kylo continues to push Rey to the Dark side. Her refusal splits Luke’s lightsaber in half.

After all of that, we still have a whole other battle to get to. On the snow, I mean salt planet of Crait. Where mock Walkers corner the Resistance and a Starkiller laser can fire at any moment. The only hope is to use old skimmer ships to attack. Finn attempts to fulfill his destiny through sacrifice, but Rose steals his moment and kisses him out of nowhere. It all seems hopeless until a freshly shaved Luke returns with a final farewell for his sister. Luke confronts Kylo in a lightsaber duel, but sike! Yet another random Force ability reveals Luke projected himself from Anch-To. Then Luke dies and I honestly felt nothing. The final payoff is nothing more than Rey moving rocks and the Resistance escaping. Hoping to restart the Rebellion. It all ends with a tacked on pre-credits scene revealing a stable boy to be Force sensitive…

26. The Last Jedi

Rey finds Luke Skywalker

The Last Jedi is a lot like The Empire Strikes Back in terms of story structure. Except it’s inferior in every way. There’s villains striking back, ship troubles, a Jedi master training the hero on a remote planet, a prophetic vision, a desperate battle on a white planet with Walkers, and Master Yoda. Parts of Return of the Jedi occur with a Dark lord pitting the hero and villain against each other in a throne room. Despite the obvious similarities, The Last Jedi doesn’t understand what makes Star Wars special. Disney clearly didn’t think this trilogy through. They were so desperate to recapture the original trilogy that they thought different directors meant better movies. J. J. Abrams had ideas for the sequel, but Rian Johnson threw it all out to do his own thing. Kinda like what happened with George Lucas. Johnson has said multiple times that he prefers divisive filmmaking. That should have been a major redflag.

The Star Wars saga revels in tradition. So the lack of wilhelm screams, barely any screen wipes, a flashback, and no one saying “I have a bad feeling about this” is infuriating. As are the lack of answers for anything. Snoke is nobody, Rey’s parents are nobody, nothing matters. Subverting expectations isn’t clever, it’s lazy. Then there are other problems that Disney continues to make. I like a good space battle and blaster fight as much as the next fan, but it’s the only thing The Last Jedi seems to care about. I wanna see a lightsaber duel. Instead it’s just Rey and Kylo Ren fighting a group of disposable Royal guard knock offs. I’m so sick of weapons that aren’t lightsabers using kyber technology. Not to mention Luke and Rey fighting with sticks and Finn using a shocking weapon on Phasma. Other battles range from visually appealing, but average to completely illogical. People gasped when lightspeed was used as a weapon, but even if that did make sense, why has no one tried it before?

Johnson seems to think the Force is just magic. Communicating across distances and astral projection were only created for story purposes. The whole movie is one big car chase in space that lasts 2 hours & 32 minutes. Why did it need to be that long?  Far too much is packed in that leads nowhere. Since the codebreaker was a traitor, the entire Canto Bight sidequest was meaningless. No wonder it wasn’t featured in promotional material. Don’t get me started on the aliens and casino that’s barely different from our own. Plus the CGI is prequel quality. Practical effects were still a priority, but it’s once again questionable. I’m not surprised Yoda is a puppet, but it couldn’t look less believable. New planets are slightly more memorable. Except that Craite is an obvious stand in for Hoth. A soldier had to taste the ground just to confirm its salt. The red dust is a striking image, but The Last Jedi goes overboard with red.

Just like it goes overboard with humor. Star Wars is not Marvel for crying out loud. Quit undercutting every dramatic moment with jokes. So many bizarre moments were turned into memes. Luke drinking a space cow’s milk, Leia floating through space, and shirtless Kylo Ren don’t belong in Star Wars. Just like a forced agenda doesn’t belong. Remember when Star Wars used to be a timeless tale of good vs. evil. I don’t want to think about identity politics, why war profiteering is bad, or see Chewie refusing to eat meat because Porgs make sad faces. I just want a fun escape from the real world. Nearly every character suffers due to more effort being put into that. Even Mark Hamill agrees Luke Skywalker would never give up and become a cynical coward. I should have cried when Luke died gazing at a binary sunset, but I just couldn’t feel for this version of Luke. I couldn’t stop crying the moment I discovered Carrie Fisher passed away. So it’s a real shame she was sidelined and unable to complete her journey as Leia. At least I’ll always treasure her moment with Hamill.

Daisy Ridley continues to give Rey no defining personality and barely any reason to care about someone as powerful as her. Oscar Isaac has more to do as Poe, but he’s continually pushed around. The same happens to Domhnall Gleeson. Turning Hux into a sniveling joke. John Boyega is robbed of any chance to do something meaningful with Finn. Without Phasma and without sacrifice, his arc is over. Andy Serkis is equally robbed with Snoke’s casual death. Anthony Daniels has nothing to do as 3PO, R2 is sidelined, and BB-8 is an action droid. All the new characters feel wrong. DJ is lame and I don’t get Benicio del Toro’s weird stutter. I couldn’t care less about Laura Dern as Vice Admiral purple hair. And I truly feel sorry for Kelly Marie Tran being connected to a pointless character like Rose. Adam Driver is the only one who manages to keep Kylo Ren interesting, but even he tries to kill the past. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why The Last Jedi was scored so high or why it made so much money. Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi felt like an insult to a franchise I’ve loved since I was a child. “May the Force be with you.”

27. The Last Jedi

Chewie flies with a Porg

Preceded by: Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens & Followed by: Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker

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