Slaughter House

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) is arguably what truly started the modern slasher remake craze. It was first on Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes unnecessary remake hit list. Although I completely ignored the remake growing up, it’s really to blame for the excessively graphic, gore filled horror movies of the 2000’s. The remake has no reason to exist, but at least it isn’t exactly the same. It’s pretty effective as a brutal standalone slasher flick. The film is still set in the 70’s for some reason. Only with grainy documentary footage replacing the opening crawl. Played over the infamous lightbulb score.

There’s another group of drug-fueled sex-crazed teens who also pick up a hitchhiker. Except it’s a traumatized girl who commits suicide in their van. They encounter increasingly off individuals in backwoods Texas who are obviously part of the cannibalistic family. They’re just called the Hewitts this time. Each demented family member stands out well enough without overshadowing the true star. Leatherface is just as hulking with bodybuilder Andrew Bryniarski wearing the warped human face and carrying the much more used chainsaw. Now he’s named Thomas Hewitt and has a skin deformity we didn’t need to see.

Second to Leatherface is his scene stealing brother Sheriff Hoyt made extra sadistic by the great R. Lee Ermey. Luda Mae is the protective matriarch, Monty is the bitter double leg amputee uncle, and Tea Lady & Henrietta are keeping a kidnapped baby. Only the creepy child Jedediah has a soul. SPOILER ALERT! Erin is the final girl who’s chased by Leatherface in the never before seen slaughterhouse. A sexy often wet Jessica Biel fresh off 7th Heaven notably plays Erin. Despite the lingering shots, there’s still no nudity. Just a ton of blood when Erin chops off Leatherface’s arm and runs Hoyt over. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) set off a chain reaction of unneeded horror remakes.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Leatherface pulls out the chainsaw

Remake of: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) & Preceded by: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

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