Battleship is more miss than hit. Hasbro became a joke the moment they turned a board game into a big budget movie. Unlike Clue, Battleship has no narrative of any kind. It’s just two separate grids with a set of ships and pegs. Of course I enjoyed playing Battleship when I was a kid, but never did I think it warranted a movie. Although you’d think Battleship would be some kind of war movie, Hasbro went the Transformers route by adding aliens. Never have I seen anything try so hard to mimic Michael Bay’s directing style without any of his involvement. You might assume that would make it a blockbuster, but this is Battleship.
Of course it sank at the box-office. As soon as I saw the alien gimmick in the trailer, I knew I needed to see it just to mock it. I know Battleship is supposed to be dumb fun, but I absolutely hated it. Like Transformers, the military is heavily involved, a supermodel is just there to look sexy, science is dumbed down, humor is cringy, and aliens use overly mechanized weapons. Taylor Kitsch stars in his second 2012 bomb after John Carter. He’s a slacker forced to join the Navy after somehow wooing the gorgeous daughter of an admiral.
She has her own side plot involving a real life double amputee veteran. Brooklyn Decker can’t act and neither can Rihanna making her strangely specific acting debut as a soldier. The amphibious aliens use metal suits and a force field to enclose the ships. The only thing remotely similar to the game are peg weapons, a brief grid monitor, and precisely one battleship used at the end. I was surprisingly bothered by the fact that they use destroyers for the majority of a movie called Battleship! The final insult was no one saying the phrase “You sunk my battleship.” Battleship is exactly what you’d expect from a board game movie.