Inside the Doomsday Machine

The Big Short was a complete turnaround for comedy filmmaker Adam McKay. The director that brought us raunchy comedies like Step Brothers was suddenly Oscar nominated. The Big Short was nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Film Editing. McKay won Best Adapted Screenplay alongside Charles Randolph. The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine is a non-fiction book by financial journalist Michael Lewis about the U.S. housing bubble that led to the financial crisis of 2007-2008. The Big Short is just as confusing and difficult to follow as I expected. I understand the severity of an economic collapse, but financial jargon confuses me no matter how old I get.

Which is why McKay was smart to have a semi-comedic tone with several characters breaking the fourth wall and using celebrity cameos to explain complex financial terms. The Big Short owes a lot to The Wolf of Wall Street, so it only made sense to have Margot Robbie explain subprime mortgages in a bubble bath. Anthony Bourdain explains CDO while cooking and Selena Gomez explains synthetic CDO while playing cards with Richard Thaler. They’re an entertaining addition to the true story, but the ensemble cast is just as stacked. Christian Bale earned his nomination for the barefoot anti-social hedge fund manager Michael Burry. He was the first to short or otherwise bet against the housing market until its inevitable collapse. Tracy Letts is one of his prime investors Lawrence Fields. Ryan Gosling is the smug narrator and salesman Jared Vennett who benefits financially from Burry’s prediction.

The only outright comedian is Steve Carell, but this is when his career took a dramatic turn. Mark Baum is the frequently on edge hedge fund manager who ends up shorting despite moral objections. Marissa Tomei is Baum’s wife who tries to keep him centered. John Magaro and Finn Wittrock are young investors Charlie Geller and Jamie Shipley who team up with Brad Pitt as former trader Ben Rickert who points out how wrong it is to profit off people losing their jobs and houses. Scion Capital, FrontPoint Partners, and Brownfield Capital are all affected, but they rarely intersect. Melissa Leo, Karen Gillian, and Adepero Oduye play just a few of the women involved in the crisis. Max Greenfield and Billy Magnussen are two of the sleazier brokers who took advantage of underprivileged home buyers. I can’t follow everything, but The Big Short is a clever look at a troubling time in modern history.

Margot Robbie explains subprime mortgages

Aim for the Bushes

The Other Guys is more than another buddy cop parody. It was the 4th collaboration between Will Farrell and director Adam McKay. Mark Wahlberg came after McKay noticed the chemistry between him and Farrell. It was the perfect excuse to make a cop movie. All the crazy over-the-top and explosive buddy cop clichés are done by rockstar Detectives Highsmith and Danson. Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson manage to make an impression despite their hilariously short screen time. The titular other guys are desk job Detectives Allen Gamble and Terry Hoitz.

Farrell is the reserved accountant Gamble who drives a Prius and everyone at the office picks on. Specifically Rob Riggle and Damon Wayans Jr. as jerky Detectives Martin and Fosse. Wahlberg is Gamble’s exact opposite Hoitz who wants to see more action, but is constantly angry. Michael Keaton is their no-nonsense police Captain Mauch who randomly quotes TLC songs. There are several celebrity cameos and plenty of funny running gags. Although he seems like the more pathetic officer, Gamble attracts several hot women including his wife Sheila played by Eva Mendes.

It only gets funnier when we find out about his shady past as “Gator.” The only woman in Hoitz life is his ballerina ex Francine played by Lindsay Sloane. Most of the movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, but the case is surprisingly complex. Steve Coogan is the wealthy Sir David Ershon trying to acquire money through illegal methods. The credits attempt to explain what a Ponzi scheme is, but I was still lost. So I focused on Ray Stevenson as a hired gun. The climax is Gamble and Hoitz finally being part of all the shoot outs and car chases they wanted. The Other Guys bridges the gap between McKay comedy and commentary.

Detectives Gamble and Hoitz on the case

The Set Up

Tango & Cash is the last great buddy cop action movie of the 80’s. It was actually released at the very end of 1989, so I mean that ironically. All the clichés I know and love are present. Cheesy one-liners, R rated violence, car chases, gratuitous nudity, casual swearing, 80’s action stars, and complete opposites learning to work together. If it wasn’t for Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash wouldn’t be the guilty pleasure that it is. Their constant banter is a major highlight. While they worked well together, Russian director Andrei Konchalovsky and producer Jon Peters were constantly clashing.

Konchalovsky was fired, replacement director Albert Magnoli changed the tone, the script was frequently rewritten, editing was a nightmare, the film went over budget, and Stallone seized control of the project. It’s a wonder Tango & Cash was even watchable. Stallone is the refined bespectacled suit wearing West Los Angeles Lt. Ray Tango. Russell is the cocky more rugged East Los Angeles Lt. Gabe Cash. Tango & Cash end up clashing when they’re sent on the same drug bust that ends up being an elaborate set up. Jack Palance is the evil drug lord Yves Perret who wants them out of the way.

Although Brion James ends up making a stronger impression as his henchman Requin with a ridiculous cockney accent. James Hong is a Triad leader, Marc Alaimo is a Cartel boss, and Robert Z’Dar is a prison thug. Tango & Cash each have fun tongue in cheek introductions, but the prison sequence is when the action really gets going. Teri Hatcher is Tango’s sexy exotic dancer sister Katherine who gives Russell an excuse to dress in drag. Michael J. Pollard is Cash’s Q, Owen who gives them a weaponized RV in an over-the-top shootout climax. I don’t care how dumb it is, Tango & Cash is a blast that understands its audience.

Tango and Cash

You Don’t Know Jack

Jack the Giant Slayer is a tale of two fairy tales. Although the title was supposed to be “Jack the Giant Killer,” the plot is closer to “Jack and the Beanstalk.” Either way Jack became the next fairy tale character to face a specific monster. Although Jack the Giant Slayer was in production longer than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter or Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It was actually movies like Alice in Wonderland (2010), Red Riding Hood, and Snow White and the Huntsman that sped up the process. I had little interest in Jack the Giant Slayer, but for some reason my brother saw it in theaters by himself. Mostly because it was the last film Bryan Singer directed before returning to X-Men.

Unlike his early work, Jack the Giant Slayer is an overblown CGI fest. It’s PG-13 for violence, but there is a somewhat kid friendly tone. Once upon a time, Nicholas Hoult was the brave farmboy Jack who ended up with magic beans that grew into a giant beanstalk. It’s just the details that are different. Jack trades his horse instead of a cow, he lives with his uncle instead of his mother, and the harp isn’t important. Eleanor Tomlinson is the lovely Princess Isabelle who wants to marry for love. Ian McShane is the King Brahmwell who wants what’s best for the Kingdom of Cloister. Meanwhile, Stanley Tucci is the secretly evil Lord Roderick who is betrothed to the princess. Ewan McGregor steals the show as the king’s dedicated knight Elmont. They’re stock characters, but the adventure is more fun than I was expecting.

Jack climbs the beanstalk to rescue Isabelle from the giants. Similar to “Jack the Giant Killer,” there are multiple giants with equally bad motion capture CGI. Giants are ugly and gross, but they’re also fierce warriors. Bill Nighy is the two-headed giant General Fallon and John Kassir is his dimwitted smaller head. Fee-Fye-Foe-Fumm is worked into the movie as the names of his soldiers. Humans and giants are united by a crown that Roderick uses to control the latter. Jack doesn’t slay many giants, but each one counts until he and the princess live happily ever after. The ending actually takes us to modern day London where the story of Jack became the fairy tale we know today. Jack the Giant Slayer doesn’t always know its audience, but I know not to take any modernized fairy tale too seriously.

Jack climbs the beanstalk

Fe Fi Fo Fum

Jack and the Beanstalk (2009) is a safe adaptation of a classic fairy tale. I never heard of the 2009 version, but it’s better than the director’s 2002 take on “Hansel and Gretel.” Although that isn’t saying much. Once upon a time, we begin with Jack dreaming that he’s a heroic spy. It seems like this is another modern fairy tale, but unnecessary pop culture references and a portable video game are the only indication. Jack is part of a fairy tale school that includes Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, Prince Charming, Sleeping Beauty, the Ugly Stepsisters, Hansel, and Gretel.

The classic story kicks in when Jack tries to prove himself on a hero’s journey. Jack and the Beanstalk (2009) is another low budget direct-to-DVD film with a strangely stacked cast. A young Colin Ford is the wide-eyed Jack who gives away his cow video game for magic beans (I guess a real cow wasn’t in the budget). Katey Sagal is Jack’s concerned mother and Daniel Roebuck makes his third fairy tale appearance as the mayor. Character actors like Christopher Lloyd play Jack’s teacher and Wallace Shawn plays the mysterious shopkeeper. Not to mention Chevy Chase dropping by for a pointless scene.

Gilbert Gottfried just barely manages to not be too annoying as Jack’s silly goose that becomes a human. I know Gottfried was known for voicing birds, but this is weird even for him. Right before Kick-Ass, Chloë Grace Moretz fought ninjas as Jack’s love interest Jillian. Jack and Jill end up trapped in the Giant’s beanstalk lair. The 6 ft. tall giant is kind of pathetic, but you can’t go wrong with James Earl Jones as the voice. Grayson ends up being the golden goose and Jack rescues the singing harp that’s actually a girl named Destiny. Jack becomes the hero and they all live happily ever after. Jack and the Beanstalk (2009) is only as big as the cast that clearly needed a paycheck.

Jack and the beanstalk

The Blood of an English Man

Jack the Giant Killer is a rousing adventure based on a lesser known fairy tale. Most people confuse it with “Jack and the Beanstalk,” but “Jack the Giant Killer” is a separate Jack story. It has a lot more giants and violence in it. Producer Edward Small saw the potential to cash-in on the success of The 7th Voyage of Sinbad. Director Nathan Juran, a heroic Kerwin Mathews, and a villainous Torin Thatcher all agreed to make the movie. It was so similar to Sinbad, that Colombia Pictures threatened to sue. At some point it was even turned into a musical just to avoid comparisons. The only thing it doesn’t have is top-notch stop-motion animation from Ray Harryhausen.

Giants and other creatures are a lot more cartoony with an unmistakable clay texture. Although there aren’t as many giants as the fairy tale, they’re still a highlight of the movie. Once upon a time, Jack was a simple farmboy from the Duchy of Cornwall who killed a giant to save the princess. Cormoran looks almost exactly like the Cyclops from Sinbad with two eyes. Judi Meredith is the beautiful Princess Elaine who falls in love with Jack. Dayton Lummis is her father King Mark of Cornwall instead of King Arthur like the fairy tale. The villain is an evil sorcerer named Pendragon who rules over witches, giants, and demons. Walter Burke is his underling who does most of his dirty work. Along with a bewitched Anna Lee. Actual witches are probably the silliest effect in the movie.

When the Princess is kidnapped and bewitched herself, Jack sets out to rescue her. It’s mostly a sea voyage with Jack teaming up with Roger Mobley as a boy named Peter and Barry Kelley as a viking named Sigurd. In the fairy tale, Jack has magical weapons. The source is a rhyming leprechaun Imp played by Don Beddoe. He grants wishes that Jack uses to free the Princess. Only at the end does a Two-Headed Giant fight a sea monster. Pendragon turns himself into a dragon using green magic in a way suspiciously similar to Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty. Jack slays the beast and they all live happily ever after. Jack the Giant Killer owes a lot to past adventures, but it does stand on its own merit.

The Two-Headed Giant

I Fear Nothing

Jack and the Beanstalk (1952) is a fairy tale fit for Abbott and Costello. “Jack and the Beanstalk” is one of the most popular fairy tales with numerous adaptations. I don’t think there’s a definitive version, but I am partial to Mickey and the Beanstalk from Disney’s Fun and Fancy Free. 5 years later, classic comedy duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello made their own version. Jack and the Beanstalk (1952) follows the exact same structure as The Wizard of Oz. The opening is sepia tone with Abbott and Costello seeking employment as Mr. Dinkle and Jack respectively. Once upon a time, Jack gets a job as a babysitter for the troublesome Donald.

He reads “Jack and the Beanstalk” while imagining himself and the people he met as characters in the story. This was the first Abbott and Costello movie shot in color and they use it well. It’s also a musical with several upbeat numbers. Though Jack and the Beanstalk (1952) is more amusing than laugh out loud hilarious. Costello gets most of the attention as Jack, the dimwitted boy who sells his cow Henry for magic beans. Abbott is Mr. Dinklepuss, the man with the magic beans who joins the adventure when a beanstalk grows. Animation is used for that sequence. The only way to achieve the Giant was having the 6 ft. 6.5 in. Buddy Baer play him.

At the same time, 6 ft. 2 in. model Dorothy Ford is the Giant’s receptionist that Jack likes. Shaye Cogan is the lovely Princess captured by the Giant. The Prince is also captured, but they fall in love without knowing. The singing harp has a terrifying face and a big mouth. The golden egg goose is replaced by a hen and all talking animals have silly voices provided by Mel Blanc. The Giant chasing Jack goes a little too long, but it’s still fun to see the fairy tale play out. Jack is crowned and they all live happily ever after. Jack and the Beanstalk (1952) is an enjoyable combination of comedy and classic storytelling.

Mr. Dinklepuss sees the Giant behind Jack

P.S. Being public domain, I’ve supplied the full movie underneath.

A Witch in the Woods

Gretel & Hansel is “Hansel and Gretel” in name only. There have been many adaptations of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale, but none more pretentious than this. I had a feeling the awkward reversed title meant there had to be some kind of feminist slant. Hansel and Gretel are always equals, but this time Gretel is 16 and Hansel is only 8. They treat Hansel like a burden and focus more on Gretel being treated unfairly as a young woman. It girl Sophia Lillis tries her best, but the material isn’t worth keeping her hair short. You can tell Sam Leakey is a first time actor.

Once upon a time, Gretel and Hansel were kicked out of their house by their psychotic mother. They encounter a helpful Huntsman, but arrive at the Witch’s house anyway. They don’t even bother to have a gingerbread house in a “Hansel and Gretel” movie! Instead the Witch lives in an ominous triangular house with a large spread of food inside. The loose camera, aspect ratio, and cinematography were an early indication of its disappointingly grounded approach. Gretel & Hansel is a horror movie that relies on slow building tension.

So slow that I nearly fell asleep. I don’t know why they try to stretch out such a straightforward fairy tale. The movie begins with a story about a child given powers by a witch. The Borg Queen sounds like a good choice on paper, but Alice Krige drones on about Gretel having power too. Holda the Witch is also played by Jessica De Gouw in several confusing scenes that don’t match up with the fairy tale. Neither of them live happily ever after since I have no idea what the ending is trying to imply. Gretel & Hansel belongs in the oven.

Gretel and Hansel enter the Witch’s house

Revenge is Sweeter than Candy

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is what you get when the traumatized children of a Brothers Grimm fairy tale grow up. After Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, it seemed like everyone got a chance to hunt monsters. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is arguably the most ridiculous use of the concept. “Hansel and Gretel” has its dark moments, but it’s still a story about children. Unlike Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel are almost never depicted as adults. Norwegian director Tommy Wirkola grew up with the fairy tale and had the unique idea to turn them into witch hunters. The best thing about Witch Hunters is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Once upon a time, the opening adapts the classic fairy tale with Hansel and Gretel abandoned by their parents, wandering the forest, and finding a gingerbread house.

The candy coated house is very tastefully designed. The witch is thrown in the oven, but not before being stabbed by Gretel. Though they could’ve settled for PG-13, Witch Hunters is unapologetically R rated (and the extended cut is even worse). Heads are blown off, a witch strips naked, and characters swear like it’s the 21st century. It’s not a modern fairy tale, but the tone and heavy weaponry are purposefully anachronistic. Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt witches with a variety of guns and other specialty weapons. Though shot before he became a big star, Jeremy Renner is the easy-going Hansel. Gemma Arterton is his more serious and attractive sister Gretel. They feel like real siblings with lasting trauma. Gretel has nightmares about their past and Hansel needs insulin after the candy house gave him diabetes. Thomas Mann is the teenage Ben who admires their work like a fanboy.

Peter Stormare is of course a despicable sheriff who accuses women of witchcraft. The witches are all hideous creatures with pale faces and a variety of creative designs. Famke Janssen is the wickedly evil grand dark witch Muriel who kidnaps children to sacrifice during a blood moon. Hansel and Gretel are immune to magic since not all witches are evil. Pihla Viitala is Hansel’s sexy love interest Mina who is secretly a good witch. Edward is a good hearted troll who forms a bond with Gretel. Derek Mears portrays the troll through impressive animatronics. Many effects were practical including the flying brooms. The witch hunt comes full circle with Hansel and Gretel killing the last witch and living happily ever after. There’s potential for sequels, but I think the concept has run its course. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters has plenty of fun with the fairy tale.

Hansel and Gretel hunt witches

A Trail of Breadcrumbs

Hansel and Gretel (2002) is an insult to the Brothers Grimm fairy tale. I’m glad I never heard of it, because I’m sure I would’ve hated it as a kid. The very simple fairy tale is stretched out with several pointless characters and detours. Hansel and Gretel (2002) is direct-to-video with a well deserved 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yet the cast is filled with recognizable stars. Once upon a time, a father played by Daniel Roebuck reads “Hansel and Gretel” to his kids. Sweet Home Alabama collaborators Thomas Curtis and Dakota Fanning are stock siblings Andrew and Katie.

I can’t help but wonder if they wanted Fanning to star since she features prominently on the poster. Instead Taylor Momsen is Gretel and Jacob Smith is her brother Hansel. Gerald McRaney is barely around as their father, so Delta Burke goes over-the-top as their wicked stepmother. At first the movie is just run-of-the-mill bad, but it’s all downhill as soon as Howie Mandel shows up. Mandel is the incredibly annoying Sandman who hijacks the story with his unfunny voice and forced pop culture references. For no reason at all, Bobcat Goldthwait is a troll who watches TV in the enchanted forest.

Tom Arnold briefly shows up as the Boogeyman and Alana Austin plays a sexy wood fairy who joins the group. None of it has anything to do with the classic story, but it’s no better when Hansel and Gretel arrive at the Witch’s gingerbread house and stuff their faces. Lynn Redgrave has a thankless role as the half-blind Witch in disguise. There’s also Sinbad as a stereotypical black raven. The Sandman uses kung fu to kill the Witch and he shows up in the real world to complain about the Brothers Grimm. I couldn’t care less if they lived happily ever after, because Hansel and Gretel (2002) was so bad it gave me a tummy ache.

Hansel and Gretel are stuffed