A Documentary?

Idiocracy is not as dumb as it sounds. It’s a very real glimpse into our world populated by idiots… April Fools! Idiocracy may be fictional, but its prediction of the future is so accurate, it might as well be a documentary. Mike Judge is always good for social or political satire. Despite his success directing Office Space, Idiocracy wasn’t given a wide release or critic screening. Probably because it calls out a lot of major corporations like Fox itself. Idiocracy has a clever premise where Luke Wilson plays average Joe Bauers who ends up in a future dominated by morons. It was all part of a Military hibernation experiment that leaves Joe frozen until the year 2,505.

Along with Maya Rudolph as prostitute Rita who was brought on as the only female candidate. In the future, technology is dumbed down to the point of thinking for everyone. All the water is replaced by the Brawndo energy drink that owns half the corporations. Fast food is on every corner, trash is a mountain high, women dress provocatively, people only talk in slang, Ow! My Balls! is the #1 show, and Ass is the #1 movie. Hospitals, courts, prisons, and the White House are practically a joke. Not to mention Terry Crews as pro wrestler President Camacho. The only thing they didn’t predict was how sensitive the world would become, since Idiocracy is perfectly not PC.

When the entire world is stupid, an average guy like Joe is the smartest man in the world. He teams up with Dax Shepard as average idiot Frito who promises to take Joe and Rita to a time machine. Previous Judge collaborators David Herman and Stephen Root appear along with small roles for Justin Long and Thomas Haden Church. Luke’s older brother Andrew Wilson plays a rehabilitation officer. Although the world has lots of problems that only Joe can solve, Idiocracy isn’t entirely high stakes. It’s only 84 minutes since dumb people have a short attention span. Even if it does cater to idiots half the time, Idiocracy is a smart cautionary tale.

President Camacho engages the crowd

Sully’s Stick Together

Avatar: The Way of Water is a breathtaking sequel 13 years in the making. Today is the 7 year anniversary of when I first started writing my blog. So I figured I’d talk about the long awaited follow up to one of my all-time favorite movie going experiences. Avatar is still the highest grossing film of all time. It was so big that a sequel was practically inevitable. Boundary pushing director James Cameron considered making a franchise as far back as 2006. When Avatar proved extremely successful, a grand total of 4 sequels were developed. Avatar 2 and Avatar 3 were shot back-to-back, but the sequel was delayed so many times that I started to doubt if it would ever come out. 2014 was the earliest release date before it was pushed back to every subsequent year until finally settling for 2022.

Writing an overarching narrative, perfecting visual effects, competition with Star Wars, and the Pandemic were all major hurdles. It’s hard to believe we went an entire decade without Avatar movies, but the franchise remained relevant through comic books, a mobile game, LEGO sets, and the Disney World attraction Pandora – The World of Avatar. Ironically, a sequel would take so long that Disney would officially own Avatar following the Fox acquisition. Cameron was so obsessed with Avatar, that he would lend passion projects like Alita: Battle Angel and approved sequels like Terminator: Dark Fate to other directors. Though I remained confident, public opinion of Avatar changed to the point of few people thinking The Way of Water could match the 2 billion dollar success of the original. The moment I saw the gorgeous teaser trailer, I was just happy to finally return to Pandora…

Jake and Neytiri fly their family to a new home

Avatar: The Way of Water is everything I’ve come to expect from James Cameron. Since Cameron has a deep love of water, I wasn’t surprised when The Way of Water was announced as a potential title. Though I’m not sure about The Seed Bearer, The Tulkun Rider, or The Quest for Eywa. Although people doubt his vision, Cameron has already proven himself with sequels that are just as good, if not better than the original. Aliens and Terminator 2: Judgement Day were just as ambitious as The Way of Water. I still have a greater attachment to the first Avatar, but you can’t deny just how big Cameron is willing to go. I’ll admit the 3 hour & 12 minute runtime was a bit excessive. It makes sense for a historical epic like Titanic, but I suppose there’s a lot to catch up with in the 13 years since the first movie.

The sequel begins in many familiar locations on Pandora. 16 years have passed with narration from Jake Sully who is now chief of the Omatikaya clan. Since Jake’s mind was transferred into his Avatar body, Sam Worhtington’s performance is now 100% motion capture. Despite no longer being the star he once was, Worthington takes command as a surprise father figure. Zoe Saldaña was a different story, since her career took off with the remaining Star Trek sequels and Marvel Cinematic Universe. Neytiri is still a proud Na’vi warrior trying to honor the bow that her father left her, but her role is sadly underplayed compared to the original. Jake tries to live up to the title of Toruk Makto, but they find happiness raising a family. After Newt and John Connor, it was no big surprise to find out several promising young actors would be joining the cast. I just didn’t expect the Sully family to be so big. Since they were cast in 2017, everyone grew up before the movie was even released.

Neytiri sings a lovely song to her beaded songcord necklace to remember the birth and adoption of each child. Neteyam is their oldest 16 year old son played by stage and TV actor Jamie Flatters. Lo’ak is their youngest 14 year old son played by relative newcomer Britain Dalton. Tuktirey “Tuk” is their youngest 8 year old daughter played by child singer Trinity Jo-Li Bliss. Since everything is motion capture, it didn’t matter that two kids were white and one was Asian. The most unexpected child is their only adopted daughter Kiri. Since it would be a shame to lose her, the nearly 70 year old Sigourney Weaver was brought back as the 14 year old Na’vi. I can buy the illusion on the surface, but her voice is clearly older than she looks. It turns out the late Dr. Grace Augustine’s Avatar body mysteriously gave birth to her daughter. Jake and Neytiri welcome Kiri as one of their own, but Spider is a different story.

Dr. Norm Spellman and Dr. Max Patel were the only known characters who stayed on Pandora when the “sky people” were sent back to Earth. Like Worthington, Joel David Moore and Dileep Rao also faded into obscurity before returning for a sequel. Aside from using a new Avatar body, Norm doesn’t have nearly the same amount of attention as before. Max is about the same, but he and Norm are still around to help. Turns out a baby was born in Hell’s Gate that was unable to travel in cryosleep. Spider was raised by scientists on Pandora, but he adopted the Na’vi culture. A human with wild Tarzan dreadlocks, Na’vi markings, and a breathing mask is certainly unique. SPOILER ALERT! After his brief, but impactful role in Avengers: Endgame, Jack Champion got his big break as the 16 year old son of Colonel Miles Quaritch. It’s all explained in the comic Avatar: The High Ground where Quaritch fraternized with Scorpion pilot Paz Socorro before their death.

I figured Weaver would return in some capacity, but I never thought Quaritch would return after taking 2 arrows to the chest. Stephen Lang was more than willing to return after being typecast as a Military strategist. When the “sky people” return to burn down the forest, a whole year passes before Quaritch wakes up again. Turns out Quaritch and the rest of his Marines saved their consciousness as a contingency plan in case they were killed. The RDA transfer their memories into newly developed Avatar bodies called Recombinants. It’s a baffling sci-fi concept, but I guess Cameron really wanted Quaritch to be the overarching villain of the entire franchise. Lang is just as capable with full motion capture. The real Quaritch is only seen in a video log with Parker Selfridge explaining the process. Giovanni Ribisi is merely a cameo this time around. Like the half-Na’vi half-Avatar children, Recombinants have five fingers and smaller eyes.

Quaritch is joined by Matt Gerald as the returning Corporal Lyle Wainfleet. Along with stuntwoman Alicia Vela-Bailey as Zdinarsk. Quaritch calls back to his original Pandora speech with a mission to stop Jake Sully’s guerrilla campaign against the invading RDA. The first action sequence sees Jake and Neytiri on ikran infiltrating an RDA train carrying weapons. The Omatikaya raid the supply, but Lo’ak nearly gets himself killed. Lo’ak has a greater personality as the reckless son that the more responsible Neteyam looks out for. Jake scolds his sons on more than one occasion, but Neytiri tries to keep the peace. CCH Pounder has a very brief appearance as the Tsahik turned grandmother Mo’at. Kiri is awkward, but surprisingly in tune with nature and close to Eywa. She also has a very close relationship with Spider. They bond over being orphans in the lab where Grace’s Avatar is being held. It’s in the lab that we find out Na’vi can survive in oxygen filled rooms, but still require breathing masks.

I’m hoping Kiri and Spider become a couple, but I have to remind myself that Weaver is the only grown woman in a group of children. Like the first movie, the writing isn’t always the best. The kids speak Na’vi like their mother, but they’ve adopted a very human way of speaking. It’s almost comical how many times they say “bro” throughout the 3 hour movie. Along with some swearing, childish insults, and multiple uses of skxawng. They explore the forest on their own and Tuk tags along since her only character trait is being the little sister. Quaritch and his squad are still fairly straightforward anti-war metaphors. They regroup at the newly built Bridgehead City where the humans plan to colonize the planet. New technology includes spider-like Hexbots used to build the city and the lighter Skel Suit that General Frances Ardmore greets Quaritch in. Edie Falco is the new RDA commander that we don’t know much about.

Quaritch finds Sully’s kids at the sight of his death. As convoluted as his resurrection may be, Quaritch crushing the skull of his former self is a perfectly Shakespearean moment. Quaritch recognizes his son Miles and we see some glimmer of humanity left in him. Though it is a little funny to have Quaritch refer to his killer Neytiri as Mrs. Sully. Jake, Neytiri, and Neteyam fight off the Recombinants, but Spider is captured. Neytiri is strangely dismissive of Spider for being a human. The RDA interrogate him using a colorful torture device. Quaritch tries to bond with his son despite being a clone. Jake and Neytiri argue when he decides the best course of action is to leave. Tarsem assumes the role of chief, though we know nothing about him. Sully’s stick together as they ride their ikran in search of a new home…

The Metkayina clan come together

Avatar: The Way of Water makes further advancements in 3D and motion capture technology. This time two HD head mounted cameras were used to ensure a more accurate facial performance. I still haven’t seen Avatar or its sequel in IMAX, but I can tell how consistently photorealistic Pandora is after a decade. If Avatar is 60% CGI, then The Way of Water is at least 80% CGI. You’d think it would get old after 3 hours, but the Na’vi culture is still so engrossing. This time we learn the ways of the Metkayina clan. Turns out the Omatikaya clan are considered forest people. We had a glimpse at other Na’vi clans before the climax in Avatar, but it was far from an in-depth look. Apparently there’s an entire ecosystem on Pandora with distinct regions similar to Earth. Although focusing on a Water Tribe is admittedly similar to their namesake Avatar: The Last Airbender.

The Metkayina clan are referred to as reef people or sea people. Turns out not all Na’vi have dark blue skin and yellow eyes. The Metkayina have a much lighter teal blue skin with blue eyes. They live in Marui pods by the sea and build their entire philosophy around the way of water. The Metkayina are strong swimmers with fin-like arms and flat tails. Aside from Jake falling into a waterfall in the first movie, James Cameron was determined to shoot motion capture performances underwater. Water is another popular motif of Cameron’s filmography. The Way of Water owes a lot to The Abyss and Titanic. Of course it was a little ironic to have the equally water centric Black Panther: Wakanda Forever in the same year. It’s easy to fake underwater scenes, but new technology was invented for the sake of authenticity. The Metkayina are free divers that hold their breath for extended periods of time. Free diving trainer Kirk Krack was brought on board just to train the cast. Jake seeks refuge from the Metkayina chief Tonowari appropriately played by Māori actor Cliff Curtis. He brought Māori tattoos and a stern leadership. Tonowari warns Jake against bringing his war to them.

25 years after her difficult experience with Titanic, Kate Winslet decided to work with Cameron for a second time. Winslet is virtually unrecognizable as the pregnant Tsahìk Ronal. A pregnant warrior is badass, but Winslet also managed to beat Tom Cruise by holding her breath for nearly 7 minutes. I always try to hold my breath as long as characters in movies, but The Way of Water nearly broke me. The Sully children are taught the way of water by the chiefs children. Lo’ak is instantly drawn to their graceful daughter Tsireya played by the biracial Bailey Bass. Reya is a much softer teacher than Neytiri and she quickly returns Lo’ak’s affection. She teaches them a Na’vi sign language to communicate with while diving. The Gill Mantle jellyfish is the only natural way for them to breathe underwater. The kids learn to ride aquatic direhorses called ilu that leap and dive at the same time. Jake learns the much more powerful skimwing that are like aquatic banshees.

The underwater world is just as beautiful as the surface. Kiri forms a spiritual connection with the sea that gets her picked on. The Filipino Filip Geljo is the smug son of the chief Aonung. The Māori Duane Evans Jr. is his equally smug friend Rotxo. Lo’ak defends Kiri and Neteyam is forced to help out. Though it’s Lo’ak who has to apologize. Aonung and Rotxo retaliate by ditching him at Three Brothers rock. Lo’ak is chased by an akula, armed with nothing but a crossbow. It’s a tense sequence where Lo’ak slowly runs out of breath, but is rescued by a Tulkun. Like Whale Rider, the Metkayina have a strong personal connection to space whales called Tulkun. Tulkun are highly intelligent peaceful creatures capable of communication with the Na’vi. A pod of Tulkun are considered to be spirit brothers and sisters of the Metkayina. It’s definitely not where I thought the movie was headed, but it does feel like a new chapter.

Lo’ak forms a bond with fellow outcast Payakan who is shunned by his fellow Tulkun for being a killer. It’s a little complicated, but Lo’ak is just happy to swim with his new brother. Like the banshee flight, swimming with Payakan is the visual highlight of the sequel. Speaking of banshees, Quaritch mimics the journey that Jake had in the first movie. Spider reluctantly teaches him to appear more Na’vi. Starting with actually taming a banshee before riding it. They speak the language, but Spider does most of the interpreting. Meanwhile, Kiri links with an underwater Spirit Tree where she sees a vision of her mother Grace in human and Avatar form. It’s all ripped away when Kiri has a seizure that prevents her from ever linking again. Norm and Max are called for medical assistance, but Ronal ends up taking over. The airship signals Quaritch to the water regions where he teams up with RDA’s marine division.

Brendan Cowell is the heartless whaler Captain Mick Scoresby who hunts Tulkun. Jermaine Clement is the more science minded marine biologist Dr. Ian Garvin. They operate inside the massive SeaDragon and use a variety of smaller vehicles like the Crab Suit. Quaritch burning down reef villages to find Sully is cruel enough, but the truly devastating “Hometree destruction moment” is the needless slaughter of the Tulkun. Turns out Payakan was merely fighting back when his family was killed by whalers. Lo’ak discovers this when he attaches his tsaheylu to the inside of the Tulkun. Like Free Willy, The Way of Water has an on the nose “save the whales” message. Apparently Tulkun have a substance inside their brain called Amrita that is even more valuable than Unobtainium. Amrita can stop human aging, but we learn absolutely nothing else about it. A heartbroken Ronal and the rest of the Metkayina attack in retaliation against the Tulkun hunters. Lo’ak finds Payakan being hunted by Quaritch who captures him along with Tsireya and Tuk.

The final battle is an exhilarating water show with Jake and Neytiri on skimwings hoping to rescue their children. Kiri recovers and uses the undersea ecosystem to attack. Payakan comes to the rescue by nearly sinking the vessel and taking revenge on the Tulkun hunters. Though they’ve had their arguments, Neteyam rescues his brother and Spider manages to fight back. In the process, Neteyam becomes the sole character to die during the climax. Losing a child is too much for Neytiri who goes feral killing the RDA forces that have Tuk and Kiri. Jake and Neytiri are by themselves on the burning SeaDragon when the rest of the Metkayina suddenly vanish. Lo’ak and Spider rescue Tuk and Kiri, but Quaritch gets hold of the latter. Neytiri goes a bit too far when she nearly cuts Spider in response. The little humanity left in Quaritch is enough to let them go, but Jake can’t pass up the chance to stop his enemy once and for all. Jake vs. Quaritch is far more evenly matched when both of them are Na’vi. They end up fighting underwater as the vessel capsizes.

It’s a truly impressive sequence that leaves Jake, Neytiri, and Tuk trapped in the sinking ship. Kiri lights the way for her mother and sister, while Lo’ak embraces the way of water to save his father. Spider makes the mistake of sparing his own father before he drowns to death. Quaritch may get away, but Spider returns to his real family. Sully’s stick together to the end when the Metkayina clan welcomes them as one of their own and holds a Na’vi funeral for Neteyam. His body becomes one with Eywa as Jake and Neytiri see one last memory of their son. Just like the first movie, the final image is Jake opening his eyes when he vows to fight back rather than hide. The Way of Water is one long ride, but I remained invested till the end. This time the Weeknd closes the movie with the song “Nothing is Lost (You Give Me Strength).” James Horner may be gone, but his score is matched by Simon Franglen.

Though the odds were against it, The Way of Water was another major box-office success that crossed $2 billion without multiple re-releases. Making it the third highest grossing movie of all time. Although I was rooting for Top Gun: Maverick to be the highest grossing film of 2022, I’m just glad people are going to the theater again after the Pandemic. Ironically, Top Gun: Maverick and The Way of Water became the first sequels nominated for Best Picture in the same year. Making Avatar the third franchise after The Godfather and Lord of the Rings to have multiple installments nominated for Best Picture. Best Picture was already lost to Everything Everywhere All at Once, Best Sound was lost to Top Gun: Maverick, and Best Production Design was lost to All Quiet on the Western Front, but nothing comes close to its Oscar winning Best Visual Effects. Knowing they perfected a new form of filmmaking is enough of a win in my book. Avatar: The Way of Water evolves the franchise in bold new directions.

Lo’ak swims with Payakan

Preceded by: Avatar

It’s a Christmas Invasion

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians may be the worst Christmas movie ever made, if not one of the worst movies of all time. I’ve joked about how ridiculous the title is in the past, but the plot is not what I had in mind. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians sounds like Santa battling an army of martians on a rocket sleigh. Somehow the actual plot is even sillier. Martians kidnap Santa Claus so that he can make toys for Martian children that don’t have Christmas. The B movie premise is so bad it’s laughable. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a cult film that gained wide attention when it was mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Santa looks the way he’s supposed to, but John Call is clueless with several fits of laughter. The elves are little people in red suits and the reindeer are never seen, but there is a crappy polar bear costume. This was surprisingly the earliest appearance of Mrs. Claus in any media. It’s really the martians that look the worst. They have poorly applied dark green makeup, green suits, and antenna. They use rayguns, robots, and an automatic toy making machine. Kimar is the King Martian, his wife Momar is the Mother Martian, and their children are Bomar the Boy and Girmar the Girl.

A young Pia Zadora is the only actress that achieved fame afterwards. Along with Vincent Beck as the villain Voldar who is really against Santa delivering toys on Mars. For some reason Santa is openly televised on Earth from the North Pole. Though the Martians do capture a pair of children named Billy and Betty just in case. Aside from Voldar, the Martians aren’t malicious in their quest. In fact, the goofy Dropo proves to be a suitable Martian Santa Claus. There have been talks of a remake that I would honestly love to see. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is out of this world bad.

Santa Claus with the children and martians

P.S. Being public domain, I’ve supplied the full movie underneath.

The Past vs. the Future

65 delivers what it promises. If you pay to see Adam Driver using futuristic weapons to fight dinosaurs, what are you really expecting? 65 is a movie I wanted to see mostly because it looked cool. Despite negative reviews, my brother and I went to see 65 as a double feature with Scream VI. It was a fun experience that I chose not to repeat with Barbenheimer. It helps that 65 is a quick 1 hour & 33 minutes. Since directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods also wrote A Quiet Place, the cast and premise are very minimal.

Driver is a pilot named Mills who crash lands on a hostile planet that turns out to be Earth 65 million years ago during the Cretaceous era. Think After Earth in reverse. At first I assumed time travel was involved, but Mills is just from a more technologically advanced planet. Though Driver does look like a caveman with advanced weapons. He’s not alone since Ariana Greenblatt plays a child survivor named Koa. Adding a language barrier is unnecessary, but their dynamic is surprisingly funny. It’s also suppose to add heart since Mills has a sick daughter back home.

The jump scaring dinosaurs are significantly more monstrous and ready to eat anything in their path. I eventually realized 65 makes a better video game than it does a movie. The player must protect his companion with a mission objective to reach an escape shuttle. Along the way fighting smaller dinosaurs with an arsenal of weapons before reaching the final boss. Of course a T-Rex is the ultimate obstacle, but the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs gives them a time limit. 65 is exactly what I was expecting.

Mills and Koa hide from a T-Rex

SURPRISE

The Invisible Man (2020) is the right way to update a classic Universal monster for the modern world. Though planned as early as 2006, it wasn’t until 2020 that an official remake of the H. G. Wells novel and 1933 film were made. The Invisible Man (2020) took everyone by “SURPRISE.” My mom, bother, and I “didn’t” see The Invisible Man (2020) in theaters right before the Pandemic. We all agreed it was the best horror movie of the year and best film by default. Between Blumhouse Productions and underrated horror director Leigh Whannell, no one could’ve seen its success coming. It would’ve been a different story if The Invisible Man was part of the failed Dark Universe. Johnny Depp was set to play the title role, but the movie goes in a very different direction.

Elisabeth Moss gets top-billing as Cecilia Kass, who is in an abusive relationship with her manipulative, narcissistic, and controlling partner. Her partner just so happens to be Adrian Griffin, the CEO of the Cobalt company from Whannell’s previous sci-fi thriller Upgrade. Cecilia espaces his compound with help from Harriet Dyer as her concerned sister Emily, Aldis Hodge as her close friend James, and Storm Reid as his teenage daughter Sydney. Moss carries the movie with her slightly unhinged performance, since she’s made to believe she’s going insane when Adrian begins to stock her. The camera makes you constantly question where the Invisible Man is. It’s no easy feat making nothing scary, but he really can be anywhere.

Since Cecilia has to appear crazy, Griffin rarely speaks and doesn’t need an A-list actor in the role. Oliver Jackson-Cohen is the perfect gaslighter and Michael Dorman is no better as his spineless lawyer brother Tom. The best creative decision was turning the process of invisibility into a high tech suit instead of a serum. Griffin uses a thousand optic cameras in a black suit that realistically simulates invisibility. Cecilia sees him in her attic and he taunts her with the word “SURPRISE.” It’s only when she’s institutionalized that she figures out a way to fight back. The ending is satisfying for anyone who felt like a victim. The Invisible Man (2020) is an intelligent ghost story for the technological age.

Cecilia is not alone

Remake of: The Invisible Man (1933)

A Little Hollow

Hollow Man 2 is as hollow as any other sequel made for a Paul Verhoeven movie without his involvement. Hollow Man wasn’t his best, but at least it had great effects and Kevin Bacon. Hollow Man 2 has competent effects for a direct-to-video film, but Christian Slater is a cheaper alternative. Slater is not as charismatic and his voice doesn’t inspire fear. Hollow Man used the concept of The Invisible Man, but not the name Griffin.

For some reason, Slater is Michael Griffin despite being a soldier instead of a mad scientist. Like Invisible Agent, the Military successfully brought back the invisibility program. Griffin and other test subjects are at risk of dying without a “Buffer.” Since we don’t see Griffin right away, it’s hard to connect with him. The R rating is toned down even more with Griffin killing most people off-screen and spying on a half naked couple without touching them.

Peter Facinelli gets top-billing as Detective Frank Turner who protects Laura Regan as scientist Maggie Dalton who injected Griffin. The police subplot is dull and so are Griffin’s motivations. Slater ironically threatens Maggie’s sister Heather and kills members of the Military. Frank becomes an invisible man himself and it leads to an invisible fight in the rain. Aside from flashbacks, Griffin only becomes visible at the end when the effects are reversed. Hollow Man 2 shouldn’t be seen by anyone.

Griffin turns visible

Preceded by: Hollow Man

Think You’re Alone? Think Again

Hollow Man is a modern day Invisible Man. After pushing the boundaries with RoboCop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct, Showgirls, and Starship Troopers, this was the film that made director Paul Verhoeven quit Hollywood. Hollow Man is definitely R rated, but it’s way more commercial than his past work. According to Verhoeven, anyone could’ve made the movie. Hollow Man is more of an effects show than a deep message movie. The CGI was very ambitious for 2000. Unlike The Invisible Man, the process of invisibility is much slower with skin, muscle, organs, and the skeleton disappearing at different rates.

It can be a little dated, but still deserving of its Best Visual Effects nomination. The Military enlists scientists to develop an invisibility serum. Animals are test subjects including an invisible gorilla. They don’t use the name Griffin, but Dr. Sebastian Caine is every bit the narcissistic scientist turned unstable psychopath. Kevin Bacon is good at both whether he’s seen or not. We only see him with thermal goggles, when something covers his body, or when he wears a special latex mask. Elisabeth Shue gets top-billing as Sebastian’s ex Linda who secretly hooks up with their co-worker Matt played by Josh Brolin.

Most of the characters are pretty hollow. Kim Dickens is a little more memorable as the veterinarian Sarah who hates Sebastian. Carter, Frank, and Janice are mostly around to increase the body count when Sebastian snaps. Sebastian has a sick sense of humor, but no one’s laughing when he crosses the line. Nudity mostly comes from how perverted Sebastian is and bloody violence comes in the third act. William Devane is a member of the scientific committee that Sebastian takes care of, but the rest are sealed in the lab. The movie devolves into a basic slasher film with Sebastian somehow surviving several fatal injuries. Hollow Man has the entertainment value of Verhoeven’s early work, but not the staying power.

Sebastian opens up

Followed by: Hollow Man 2

Igor the Hunchback

Victor Frankenstein is the Igor equivalent of Renfield. Even though it didn’t get nearly as much attention. I knew enough to write off I, Frankenstein when it first came out, but somehow I completely forgot about Victor Frankenstein the following year. Igor has an interesting history, because he technically wasn’t part of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The Universal classic featured a hunchback assistant, but Son of Frankenstein introduced Bela Lugosi as Ygor. Victor Frankenstein prominently features Daniel Radcliffe as an unnamed circus hunchback given the name Igor Straussman by Dr. Frankenstein.

This Igor is an equally brilliant physician who becomes a new man once Victor cures his back. The title indicates that the real monster is the man who created him. James McAvoy is given every opportunity to be a deranged scientist, an egomaniac, and an unlikable heathen. The film mostly suffers from a lack of focus. Although the partnership between Frankenstein and Igor is a central theme, there is a lot surrounding it. Igor is mostly distracted by the lovely trapeze artist Lorelei played by Jessica Brown Findlay. Victor is only concerned with his work, but Charles Dance does drop by as his disapproving father.

Religious discussions become especially uncomfortable when Andrew Scott shows up as the deeply religious Inspector Turpin. He rightfully calls out Frankenstein for his work, but Freddie Fox as the wealthy Finnigan is drawn in. Unlike most adaptations, Frankenstein first gives life to a disturbing chimpanzee abomination. Victor Frankenstein is PG-13 despite all the corpses. I will give the movie some credit for creating a Monster that resembles the book description. Creature performer Spencer Wilding is at least 8 feet tall with a flat head and exposed muscles. He’s named Prometheus like the book’s subtitle, but he doesn’t show up till the end. Victor Frankenstein needed a little more juice to spark a fully formed reimagination.

Victor Frankenstein and his Prometheus

200 Years Later, He’s Still Alive

I, Frankenstein wants to be Underworld so bad. The large deep voiced Kevin Grevioux co-created Underworld for the screen, but I, Frankenstein was his online graphic novel. This time the secret centuries old conflict is between gargoyles and demons. Frankenstein’s Monster is dropped right in the middle of a war he has no business taking part in. At least the Underworld series was self-contained. I, Frankenstein speeds through the Frankenstein story just to get to terrible CGI heavy action sequences. At least the comics had an actual monster, the movie has a grunting Aaron Eckhart with facial scars and a six-pack.

Gargoyles are practically angels that guard humanity and send demons back to Hell. Miranda Otto is the gargoyle Queen Leonore who gives the Creature the name Adam. You’re already on the wrong track with Jai Courtney as a gargoyle leader, but Caitlin Stasey and Mahesh Jadu are just as disposable. There’s hardly any difference between the vampires and Lycans. Demons are literally killed by holy water or a gargoyle symbol. Adam is only relevant to the fight since he has no soul and the demons want the secret to reanimation to raise an undead army.

Bill Nighy plays the main villain just like in Underworld. He knows exactly what kind of movie he’s making. Naberius poses as the wealthy Charles Wessex who has scientists figure out Dr. Frankenstein’s work. I should’ve known the attractive scientist Dr. Terra Wade played by Yvonne Strahovski would be a love interest. Socratis Otto is a high ranking demon and Grevioux himself is another easily defeated demon. I felt nothing for the potential end of humanity or Adam’s vengeful quest for purpose. Grevioux wanted an Underworld crossover, but I, Frankenstein is a 5% movie with no life in it.

Adam stands alone

Your Dog is Alive!

Frankenweenie is a kid friendly Pet Sematary. Although it’s actually based on a 1984 short film that was so edgy Disney fired Tim Burton. I remember watching Frankenweenie (1984) on a Nightmare Before Christmas DVD along with the stop-motion short Vincent. I thought it was a harmless parody of Universal’s Frankenstein with a kid’s deceased dog instead of a reanimated corpse. Shelley Duval, Daniel Stern, Barret Oliver, and even a young Sofia Coppola were all part of the small cast. I was definitely curious when Tim Burton announced he was making a feature length stop-motion animated Frankenweenie from the same studio that fired him 28 years ago. Frankenweenie is technically Burton’s second stop-motion film directed by him after Corpse Bride. The offputting character designs are classic Tim Burton. Frankenweenie was shot in black & white like the original short and used Disney Digital 3-D like Alice in Wonderland (2010). My brother and I chose to wait rather than see it in theaters.

Frankenweenie has the spirit of the short, but the simple story was obviously expanded. This time Burton works with frequent collaborators like Catherine O’Hara and Martin Short in multiple roles. Martin Landau and Winona Ryder have their own characters, but Christopher Lee is only a live action cameo from Hammer Horror’s Dracula. Sparky is the star modeled after the other Bull Terrier from Burton’s forgotten cartoon Family Dog. The “weenie” part of the title is pretty misleading. Sparky is given more time to be a loving pet before his death. Charlie Tahan voices the young Victor Frankenstein who has a love for science and filmmaking like the original. The main difference is making him more antisocial despite having a whole classroom of weirdos. The aptly named Weird Girl’s cat Mr. Whiskers can predict bad omens from the litter box. Nassor is modeled after Boris Karloff, Toshiaki is a competitive Japanese student, and Bob is his obese science partner. Elsa Van Helsing is a friendly goth girl who deals with her controlling mayor uncle Burgermeister.

Elsa’s poodle Persephone is the same dog from the short with the Bride’s lightning streak. The eccentric hunchback Edgar “E” Gore is an obvious Igor parody. Victor’s parents are given more to do, especially when his father convinces him to try baseball which leads to the accident. Victor’s science teacher Mr. Rzykruski becomes an ostracized role model who inspires the makeshift lab experiment. The reanimated Sparky has time to shine, but he is overshadowed by several pet monsters that the other kids want as a science project. There’s a goldfish Invisible Man, a cat-bat Dracula, a rat Wolf Man, a hamster Mummy, seamonkey Creatures from the Black Lagoon (or Gremlins), and a giant turtle Godzilla (or Gamera) to go along with the dog Frankenstein. The climax does bring the focus back to Sparky in a burning mini golf windmill. The ending where the townspeople come together is exactly the same as the short. Frankenweenie is a welcomed update and a fun homage of classic monster films.

Victor Frankenstein brings Sparky back to life